As much as books are for entertainment & in some cases, cautionary “what not to do” tales, I recently read Call Me By Your Name and walked away with a very unique perspective on relationships. I enjoyed the experience and consider it a cautionary tale from the perspective of a young and curious Elio. However, from his open heart and curious spirit, I learned some things from his choices. His internal monologue is an example of how some people view their relationship as an “all or nothing” thing in life. They open their diaries to their significant other and tell them about every dream they have at night. Elio views Oliver as his outlet of freedom with whom he desires to open his heart to without any boundaries or inhibited actions. When Oliver left Italy to return to The States, Elio’s expression of his freedom became fragmented because he invested so much of himself into their relationship. It’s natural to want another person to be an outlet for us to feel safe or express the love we have to offer. Seeing the same face everyday over time creates a sense of home we seek in life to find rhythm and routine. However, only Elio can hear his own thoughts and only Oliver can interpret his own emotions. We are designed as separate beings to support each other and be interdependent with one another. The differences between us allow us to be able to support others in ways they can’t support themselves. If we put so much of our identity into another person, we can no longer offer anything new to the relationship and our personality becomes unoriginal. However, this is different than codependence which means we can’t live out our full purpose without someone else. In addition, I myself have a reputation for the all or nothing state of mind, so I also tend to want to be too independent that I won’t accept that I need people. People are in my life for a very intentional reason, and that is for me to have a healthy, balanced reliance with them! With those I trust, this beautiful dynamic is mutual, which fills my spirit with love.
After all of this, I realized how important it is to take care of yourself. I now schedule weekly dates with myself at Laduree to drink apricot juice before work. I turn off my phone while I do yoga each night and indulge in personal projects and diaries only I will ever see. I turn off Instagram more often to keep my experiences to myself knowing that some things are meant for only my memory rather than plastering it all over the internet and into my friends’ feeds. I set boundaries in all of my relationships to stay confident in my own identity so I never rely too heavily on anyone else to feel fulfilled. Most of all, I discovered treating yourself to a glass of wine at The Osprey does not always have to be a ritual shared with someone else. Now when I see my boyfriend every week and call my family, it feels indulgent and unique. I appreciate each moment we share ten fold because of how scarce they are. So here’s my advice: Find your rhythm, and take some time each week to enjoy it on your own.
